When I was in my first year of university (2011) I began having difficulty with my thinking and getting blanks while thinking. I eventually failed my first year. The next year I began a new degree program Bsc Chemistry but due to what had happened the previous year, I lost confidence in myself and my identity of being a “smart girl”, I decided to hang out with the wrong crowd. I had always been a bit introverted so my transition into a party animal had its dire consequences.
I became paranoid and thought that people had snuck a camera into my room. I couldn’t focus much on my studies and began overdosing on Ritalin to try and catch up on work and so that I was never myself in front of “the camera”. I later began hearing voices that year as well. I never stopped to question it and continued to believe such until I couldn’t take it anymore and moved out to a commune. Surprisingly I came to the conclusion that there were cameras in my room even there and just lost all my self-confidence and sense of control.
I wanted to tell my parents that I thought there was a “camera” in my room but I knew that they would say that I was crazy and just making things up in my head due to stress but at that time it all felt so real. I began sleeping with guys and having them sleep over in my room so that I couldn’t be the only one on “camera”. I spent most of my time in bed.
All seemed manageable until my final years of university (2015-2016) , this was when all hell broke loose and I began hearing voices commenting on my actions and talking aloud when I wanted to study (I thought it was an earpiece). I just always cried and cried and felt so alone. I couldn’t tell anyone because I felt stupid and thought people snuck in my room and set it up while I was asleep, to pull a ‘cruel prank’ on me . I just concluded that even in university years there were still people who acted like teenagers.
I thought of suicide multiple times but never did anything because I loved my family. I remember things got so bad I thought that they were Satanists and one time during my sorrow-filled days…I chose to ask an ‘unclean spirit’ to help me handle the pain and to get back at them. I was so broken and emotionally tortured….I reduced myself to saying that day.
The next year, I heard the voices dictating my thoughts in other people’s voices as well as the banging of drums. I cried and just picked up the Bible and read and prayed the entire night because I was just so frightened out of my skin. I was terrified. I didn’t go to campus and wasn’t focusing much on my degree. I began focusing more on the Bible and its verses. I began to read it day in and day out and praying to the Lord Jesus Christ. I prayed that he would save me. My condition grew worse and I began to have intrusive thoughts. I would be busy thinking something when another thought was heard. I was creeped out.
Then finally the day arrived when I was walking on campus and I began to feel a loss of control in my walk. It felt like I wasn’t controlling my walk and my facial expressions, emotions. Throughout this entire time I was hearing voices. I began feeling weird sensations in my body and I headed home feeling as though my feet weren’t mine. I couldn’t determine the speed of my walk. I went home and cried and cried and prayed and prayed. As the days went by I regained control of my body.
I just prayed and prayed and read the Bible until it became my main focus. It was my first time reading the Bible. Months went by where I stayed in my room. It soon seemed like I was handling everything fine. I went to campus and did my work , but my campus life took a spin when people began bringing up memories of when I was a slut. It was confusing for me at this point because I couldn’t tell the difference as to whether it was real or I was going crazy again. I would still brave the day with the help of Jesus Christ. The semester ended and I had failed all my modules. I didn’t seem to care at that point because I knew that the knowledge I had learnt from the Bible was of far more value then any of the modules I failed.
I appealed and came back the following semester and studied but kept my main focus on the Bible. There were a few days that I would break down and begin talking to myself and consider suicide but I pushed through. The following year I was completely fine. I went with my Mom (after telling her everything) to a neurologist who diagnosed my condition at the time as “Psychosis due to depression”. I don’t care what it was labeled as I just know that Jesus Christ helped me through it and that without him I would never had gone through my “psychosis” and gotten my Bachelor of Sciences.