Free From Struggling

Still Life of river rock with Hope in Japanese script and orchid flower


I am 36, father of 4 and married  for 5 years. I struggle with paying my bills/work/feelings of worth/doubts. I don’t know why. I work. But what I make is not enough. Sometimes, I have these overwhelming feelings that causes me to get angry with God and lose hope. I hate these moments. Maybe that is when I eat snacks to cover the pain. Sugar snacks. I recently spoke with a pastor who does deliverances and he helped me confess a lot of sins. Like mistrusting Jesus, confusion, fear of man, etc. I feel cleaner then I have felt in a long time. And am regularly praying for God’s will. I feel humble and grateful. After ten years pain of my parents’ divorce, I was saved by the grace of God when I was a rebellious 16 yrs. old.

When I was 19, my dad died. I slipped into a deep state. Depressed, suicidal, and had sex with random people to hide my pain. I got herpes. I went into a darker place.
Yet, God was with me. Having mercy on me.

When I was 23, I did not want that darkness anymore and simply prayed for healing. I prayed to confess it to a friend. God provided two friends. And after a worship concert at my church, he told me to seek a pastor’s prayer and i would be healed. i did and have never looked back.

Now, as a family man, I have tried to provide with my own strength and I am really struggling. I eat sugar when I am feeling low. But, it really doesn’t help. It gratifies me for a bit.

One of the things I needed to confess to that pastor was being performance based. I am really looking for God’s grace right now. Not trying to do anything on my own strength but pray for his will and ask for his grace.

I feel the Holy Spirit say to me occasionally, I am calling you. I like that. But I do not really know how to respond. I want to be used by God.