Less is More When it Comes to Conversations about Premarital Sex
Caution: Confessing your sin of premarital sex to your spouse does not mean you offer details about the previous sexual encounters or partners. That would only cause more problems and hurt. Likewise, trying to hide previous sexual sin creates anxiety and a bigger problem when, inevitably, God chooses to expose it. A secret always possesses damaging power that erodes trust. However, if this is the first time you’ve revealed to your spouse that you were sexually active before marriage, you’ll also need to ask forgiveness for concealing this information. It may be a longer process for this spouse to be ready to forgive.
Trust and forgiveness with God, and your spouse, is the foundation of a healthy, peaceful marriage.
Does Forgiveness Work?
I know a couple where the wife accused the husband of having an affair that he adamantly denied. Both were Christians, but their impasse ended in divorce.
In discussing with a pastor my sadness for this couple, he asked if either had been sexually active before marriage. The husband had, but the wife had not.
Next, he asked a key question: Before they were married, did the husband ask the wife to forgive him for his past sexual relationships, and did she grant that forgiveness?
I was sure this had not transpired because the wife had commented that she should have known there would be problems later in their marriage because the husband had girlfriends he was intimate with before meeting her.
The pastor then shared that a couple came to him ready for divorce and angrily sat at opposite ends of the couch. He asked them, “Did either of you have sex before you were married?” They both answered, “Yes.” He led them in a prayer asking God’s forgiveness for past sexual sins, and then told them he was going to step out of the room while they asked each other for forgiveness. When he returned, they were holding hands and sitting next to each other.
Now That You Have Forgiven Each Other For Having Premarital Sex, Rededicate Your Sexual Life
I recently heard a celebrity couple tell their story of being sexually active before they met. Both became Christians and agreed to remain celibate until they were married. They used the term “born-again virgins.” Even though they were not virgins physically, they became virgins spiritually when they gave their life to Christ and He forgave their past sins.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Cor. 5:17
As a new creation in Christ, the bride proudly wore a white wedding dress:
“‘Come now, let’s settle this,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.’” Isaiah 1:18 (NLT)
There’s nothing God won’t forgive if we ask Him. God says we are to extend that same forgiveness to others. “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matt. 6:14-15
Rededicate your marriage to God. Let Him wipe away any past sexual sins and restore trust, purity, and sexual oneness in your marriage. You’ll feel like newlyweds again!
“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”—Ruth Bell Graham